Today its raining.
Its raining outside. And in my heart its raining.
Its raining outside. And in my heart its raining.
Today was Tate's third cardiologist check up for his VSD. Going into it I wasn't all that concerned. Thought it would go just like the last two.... Keep doing these check ups and EKGs every few months to make sure his lungs and heart are tolerating the hole.... Leaving with a good diagonosis and feeling hopeful from the Drs. words of hope and encouragement. Thats not how today's visit went.
I discussed Tate's weight dropping down the growth curve (I don't really give it that much thought because Jackson did the exact same thing and he doesn't have a hole in his heart). We also discussed his delayed gross motor development (not sitting up for a long time on his own yet... no crawling yet.... he's 7 1/2 mos. old, this too I haven't given too much thought too because Ryley didn't crawl until she was 10 months old.) So these possible "symptoms" coupled with some other things the dr. witnessed during the check up leads her to believe that Tate's hole might not be closing on its own. She is ordering a "sedated" echocardiogram to be done within the next month (I'm shooting for asap). Her office will call this week to schedule (I hope they call tomorrow). Its down in Salt Lake City, at Primary Children's Hospital. This will tell us if Tate's heart is trying at all to mend itself. They will be looking for any "tissue" growing over the area of the hole. We are hoping for tissue. I got the impression that if there is tissue then they will hold off on surgery and keep the monitoring thing going. But.... if there isn't any tissue (which Dr. Judd was actually leaning towards... at least thats what I got from what she said....) then they'll want to go ahead with the surgery, especially if the hole is what's causing his growth to slow and his gross motor skills to be delaying. If there is no tissue the surgery will be scheduled/performed this summer.
Of course this is one of those "common" procedures, that drs. talk about and act as if its nothing. But when its your baby... your tiny-little-sweet-as-can-be-doesn't-deserve this-baby... no surgery will ever be "common" or "nothing".
I've been fighting back the tears all day. Walking around with this huge lump in throat. Trying to be the "mom". The brave one. The strong one. The one who doesn't give her children any reason to fear or doubt. I've been pleading with my Heavenly Father at every possible opportunity. I talked to him while I did the dishes this afternoon... and while I made dinner this evening. I know he can heal Tate's heart (overnight even) if he wanted to. If it were to be his will. That's not to say that he will. Or even that I think he will. But I know he can.I have given myself tonight while the children sleep to cry.
Ryan and I have been talking about it tonight and he feels the same way I do. Even he has gotten choked up over the news when having to tell friends and family. We are sad for our little man. He's just the sweetest baby you'll ever meet, you'd never know that his body is working harder than it should just to be normal. You'd never know he has a "defect". His smile lights up any room he's ever in. Strangers and acquaintances are drawn to his sweet face and bright smiling eyes. Like I said... just the sweetest baby, not that any baby ever 'deserves' to go through this, but of course I would say mine surely doesn't!
Tomorrow I will put on the happy face again. I will be the mom. I will be brave. I will be strong. I will have faith. I will have hope. I will pray constantly. I will take this road one step at a time. Because I am getting ahead of myself. There are two things on the table that I'm freaking out about at the moment and the second one is a waste of time at this point. Though surgery seems inevitable, it may not be, no sense in getting all worked up over it. So... I will focus on the echo. No biggie. We've done an echo before. This time he'll be sedated. But he'll be in the best children's hospital around.... with people who know what they're doing... with people who do this sort of thing all the time... with people who think of this as "common" and "nothing". I will be strong. I will do this for him. If he needs it... he gets it. I will love this baby more than any baby has ever been loved and I will continue to be so grateful that I get to be his mom.
There is nothing that I wouldn't... couldn't.... do for this little boy. Nothing.
Step One: Be calm. Don't freak out. Do whatever he needs in order to be whole again (with a smile on your face at that.)
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Ps- I'm sorry I know this reads as probably way over-dramtic and "corny", but I was crying for a portion of the writing and its been an emotional roller coaster day.
Pps.- I just want to also add that I know there are a million other children in this world all going through much bigger medical ordeals and their parents have to deal with it right along side of them. I probably seem so whiney and ungrateful. I read tons of blogs touching on far worse situations than Tate's.... I look up to these parents that seem to hold it all together and do what they do in the face of adversity. They are an inspiration and I look at their examples, hoping to be that same kind of parent for my child.
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